Homeward Bound

As I woke up this morning in dawned on me that I am going home tomorrow. I still don't think I quite believe it, even as I sit here and tell myself once again - I am going home tomorrow.

Surreal.

I am a little nervous; I'm worried as to how I am going to entertain Nick for 10 hours, in a small space with no room for escape. I'm hoping that because our flight is at night time, he'll sleep for a good portion of the journey. I don't know how realistic that hope is, but I'm holding onto it. That and a bottle of Benedryl.

I am also getting that panicked fear that I'm going to forget something important. I left my green card behind and almost got deported back to Mexico - understand that is where my flight had arrived from, I'm not a Mexican national, last time I flew internationally, and it cost me $$ and a lot of time. Obviously, when flying with a 4 year old there is zero room for error.

But, I am packed, I am feeling prepared and that's a huge improvement on my usual routine of throwing a mix-match of belongings into a bag 15 minutes before I need to leave for the airport.

It's funny, I used to do this all the time. Most months we were flying somewhere; life in Moscow was all about when the next escape was coming. Don't get me wrong, I loved my friends but 8 months of winter was enough to make anyone need to get away. So I was a pro at the travel game but now I'm out of touch. But, I'm trying not to freak out too much and just focus on the fact I get to go home!!!

Fish and chips, real sausages, unlimited Cadbury's, Southend Pier, the London Eye -- here we come!!!!

As I see it.

After giving it a little thought I decided to write a follow up note (novel) on my heath care post from a couple of days ago.

Mine is not a political blog; I do not even vaguely entertain the notion that I understand nor care about politics enough that I'd want to morph into a political author, or that I am a big fan of argument and debate. There are three things that I, and anyone that has a group of friends and is not oblivious understands: discussing the following subjects will lead to heated discussion and/or battle. 1. Money 2. Politics 3. Religion. When it comes to my friends we are all over the place on all of the above subjects. We have learned - for the most part, to keep these issues out of our gatherings or else it is going to lead to confrontation. Is it ever damaging to our relationships? So far, no, but the one thing we do respect is that we each are entitled to our views, regardless of whether we agree on them or not and therefore do not try and push political parties, religious groups or Oprah's debt diet on one and other. I do not expect anyone to agree with my opinions any more than I expect to agree with yours.

You'll never, ever see me rave about a political party on my blog. Never. You want to know why? Because I have no party affiliation. I cannot legally vote in this country, but even if I could I wouldn't. That sounds like a cop out but until I find a party who's philosophies I 100% agree with, I am not going to pledge my support.

The one silent agreement myself and my friends have when it comes to any controversial discussion is: know your argument. If you bring a weak, one-sided, bias discussion to the table you are going to be ridiculed. Ignorance when it comes to debate is not bliss

So with this said I have a few things to add and then I will step back into my bubble of nonsense and emotions because even with the added vulnerability, it's a place I feel safe. irregardless of how nutty anyone reading this may think I am.

I am employed. I have a job, I am a taxpayer, I have medical benefits. I am one of the relatively lucky ones in these troubled times, but I am also a hard worker. As a taxpayer I feel like I do have a say in where my tax dollars go and how in my idea of a perfect world, they'd be spent. If I get sick right now I know that I can go to a hospital, show my insurance card and be treated. I will be out of pocket a % of the bill, but the bulk of it will be covered. I am one of the lucky ones. You can equate luck with hard work if you wish, but the bottom line, especially in these tough times, is that there are plenty of people out there who have worked hard their entire adult lives who are for one reason or another currently without health care benefits. I would think those that are unemployed for whatever the reason, perhaps would appreciate how scary it is to exist without health benefits, but perhaps that is not always the case. If you can be dragged into debt by a disease such as Cancer when you have medical coverage, what do you think will happen to you if you have none?

The former CEO of United Healthcare, William McGuires' compensation in 2005 was estimated to be between $59,625,444 to $124.8 million. He resigned under controversy and yet his exit compensation from UHC was expected to be around 1.1 billion dollars. Is that a good use of taxpayer money? I wasn't entitled to support as a new mother as a United Heath care policy holder, without paying out of pocket for "luxuries" such as an lactation consultant, but paying one man a salary like this is acceptable??

I thought I emphasized clearly enough in my last blog post that I am not interested in a "free for all" system. I do not agree with welfare, I do not advocate tax payer money going to "girls who cannot keep their legs shut" I want to see a system in which the average, hardworking citizen of this country can receive quality health care without fearing debt and hardship because of it. I want contraception to be available to women of all ages without a $50 co-pay. Pregnancy happens. Accidental pregnancy happens. I am not going to get on my high horse and tell you how stupid it is for girls/women to get pregnant when it wasn't planned because I myself have sat on my bathroom floor in tears with a pregnancy test in my hand terrified as to what the results will be. Anyone who says they haven't been down this path is either lying or extremely lucky. Show me an indestructible condom and I'll show you a company that is lying about effectiveness. I know someone who has a child - after a vasectomy, and yes, it's their child. You can preach abstinence until you are blue in the face but you are a complete moron if you think every teenager will listen. Do you not remember what that age was like? Uh, I do. The best you can do is provide contraception, provide sex education and provide parents with the support and knowledge to help their sons and daughters to not become a statistic. And that doesn't just apply to pregnancy, that applies to STD's as well, not to mention the emotional burden and heartache that can result from intimacy.

One of the main reasons I do not put a label on my political views is because I have lived under a variety of political systems and have yet to see one that operates in the way it was intended. A lot of political philosophies look good on paper. Have you ever actually taken the time to read a description of Communism as written by Marx? It doesn't look that bad. But, when you take theory and put it in the hands of another, a person who is possibly motivated by greed, by power, by their own ego, who knows what you will end up with.

You can not beat travel as a form of education. National Geographic is great, but nothing can compare to stepping out into the world and seeing with your own eyes what exists outside the American bubble. When the word "ethnocentric" was keyed there really should have been a photo of America next to it. A lot of the hate and narrow mindedness that exists in this country is the result of ignorance and a sense of entitlement. I have been fortunate enough to see first hand the way in which other countries treat their citizens. I have lived in mainland Europe and been impressed with the health care system - I balk at the high taxes but guess what you don't see? vast numbers of homeless people, the mentally ill being thrown out onto the streets because of inadequate health care, children not being vaccinated because their parents cannot afford pediatrician visits, sixty hour work weeks.
Is it perfect? Oh no, but there are qualities that can be admired.

I have lived amongst the poorest of the poor in Moscow. I have literally stepped over a homeless man who had frozen to death in the night whilst on my way to school. I have seen old - and I mean old, ladies "babushka's" working back breaking construction jobs when they should be retired because they have to work to put food on the table. I grew up in the 80's under the reign of Maggie Thatcher and have seen dramatic changes some of which were awful, some of which are still in place to this day. I have spent considerable time in a post-apartheid country and witnessed a government and a society as a whole who had thought it acceptable to treat the native, black population as second class citizens in the name of politics. I have spent time in Middle Eastern countries where I have had to cover my hair and my body and have briefly experienced what it feels like to be treated with a third of the respect that my male counterparts were entitled to.

I have lived under governments - even just as an ex-pat observer, that do not help their citizens at all, and it's not pretty.

This is where my views come from, from my own personal experience. It doesn't make me better than anyone else, it just makes me certain of what I believe in. I am open to change, I am welcoming of opinion but I am both a realist and an optimist. I am not going to be swayed by the political opinions of others. I am not going to be affiliated with any political group: the perfect party does not exist. No matter how great it looks on paper.

Let me finish by saying this: we, in America, have it good. There is a great deal of room for change, there are improvements that should be made seeing as how we pride ourselves on setting a good example for other less fortunate countries. We need to start by helping our tax paying citizens - and that includes those who are out of work due to reasons beyond their control. I would like for every person in America to actually look up where unemployment benefits come from after a layoff, and who pays them before shouting "welfare!" because you'd be incorrect.

But despite our shortcomings believe me when I tell you, there are far, far worse places to be born. If you are an American citizen think yourself lucky, regardless of your political ideals. There will never be a model of perfection. There will always be the rich and they will always get richer. There will always be the poor. There will always be inadequacy. America is too big of a melting pot to expect conformity; be thankful that you are allowed to hold whatever opinion you choose, even if it doesn't support the current political regime without fear of torture and death. We are the lucky ones, don't ever forget that.

The Mighty State

A subject that has been on my mind a lot lately, and one I have possibly talked about before, but can't remember, is health care. I don't think I have ever been quite as aware of the inadequacies in our health care system as I am right now. If you mention the subject of insurance companies, co-pays and deductibles to any American you are likely to get a heated response. Unless you're the head of one of the insurance companies and then you may give a brief statement about how wonderful our health coverage is whilst sipping your G&T on your personal jet on the way to Maui. Maybe.


America is said to be one of the wealthiest, more progressive countries in the world and yet it is very possible to be made bankrupt by health care costs. You can be someone who has worked hard their entire life, has health coverage, is diagnosed with Cancer and before you know it be in debt up to your eye balls, all because you needed treatment. However, you start talking about implementing a nationwide health care program and suddenly people are screaming "socialism!" somehow the word socialism has been butchered to where people actually believe this country could easily fall prey to it and that we are just baby steps away from all becoming Communists. Which, I may add is not the same thing as being a socialist, I feel like a dictionary definition is needed, but I would hope that those who are confused will Google it themselves. We are not going to be turned into a bunch of socialists, nor communists. The British government has a much bigger hand in the running of it's country, hence the National Health Service, and yet England is not a true socialist state. Have no fear, you're probably going to be ok.

My latest thoughts on this subject were spurred by a documentary I listened to on the way to work this morning. It was discussing the ability to receive IVF treatment on the NHS and what the guidelines should be. Should women who smoke, who are over 39, those who are overweight not be given treatment? Are the majority of women able to receive the 3 cycles of IVF that the health service has deemed as fair? Listening to this I felt conflicted. Part of me feels that in many ways getting treatment on the NHS is a complete nightmare and can only be likened in some ways to trying to deal with an HMO in this country. That just because the treatment is, in theory, free, it doesn't mean it's accessible. But then my thoughts come back to America and how much IVF treatment will cost you, even if you have insurance, and even if by some chance they will pay for infertility services, you will still incur costs that may for some, be unreasonable.
So what is the solution? I think we have to look at the health care systems in mainland European countries to get a better answer. The systems typically work a lot better there, but they do pay a price in taxation. For me it's a no brainer: pay higher taxes and get to live in a better world. But, for many taxation is already an sore subject and the thought of it increasing substantially is just not an option.

I don't know what the perfect answer is, but I do know changes need to be made. This was highlighted when I was pregnant and subsequently, post-childbirth with Nick. The first thing I had to do when I arrived at the hospital, in labor, was fill out paperwork accepting financial responsibility. I believe in the 3 days I was in hospital - yes, I was granted the "luxury" of being allowed to stay for 72 hours because I had a Cesarean delivery, I met with the financial department of the hospital at least 4 times. How many times did I get to meet with someone who could give me a little support and advice about being a new mother? That would be zero times.

When I went home things got worse. Suddenly I felt stranded with this brand new, screaming individual, sore boobs and absolutely no clue what I was doing. Kenny's job at the time meant he worked until late in the evening and most weekends. My mother was able to stay for about a week after the delivery, but she had to go back home and suddenly I was alone, and clueless.
I remember when Nick was about 5 days old, sitting on the bed holding this tiny person who was crying because he needed feeding and feeling completely and utterly helpless. I couldn't figure out how to breast feed properly, it didn't come "naturally" as I had been led to believe and I was a mess. I looked through the handbook given to me at the hospital and found a number for a lactation helpline. The woman on the other end was very sympathetic, calmed me down and told me I would be ok. Then she said she couldn't actually help me as such, or make me an appointment with a lactation consultant at the local hospital as I wasn't on WIC (a welfare program aimed at women and children) and therefore wasn't entitled to help. We made too much money for government assistance, but not enough to actually pay for decent help. I then had to get online and Google a lactation specialist in my area, arrange for her to come to the house, pay over $100 - which at the time I really didn't have to spare, and get a rushed 45 minute appointment on what the hell I was actually supposed to be doing.

This was the extent of the post-birth assistance I received. In the UK you have a midwife, I don't know specifics but I know that they come to your house for the first week, few weeks?? after birth and then you go to the clinic for weekly checkups. At the clinic you can ask questions, meet other new mothers and most of all get reassurance that you're not doing such a horrible job of parenting a newborn.

For me giving birth was the start of 6+ months of intense loneliness and a sense of inadequacy. My pediatrician was helpful, to a point, but wasn't there for general help, more for sickness related issues, and I had to pay for the privilege of seeing her anyway. The biggest help came from a store called Special Additions who specialized in breast feeding products and had lactation consultants on staff. Of course none of this was free, but I was so desperate for help by the time I found them, I didn't care about the money. That's what credit cards are for, right?? I think for many mothers in this country this is the kind of service they expect. They are not aware that women in many other countries, even those we consider "less fortunate" than ours, receive much better treatment post-delivery. For me, I knew that there was more out there, and I was painfully aware that I was receiving the bare minimum.

Obviously I made it through the first year of Nick's life and lived to tell the tale. But I can't say I can look back on his early months with any sort of joy. I remember lots of tears - from both of us, and an overwhelming sense of isolation. For those people who want to rant and rave about Obama turning us into a socialist state I suggest you have a good run in with the health care system in this country, whether it be through a childbirth situation like mine, or while dealing with a terminal illness. Then tell me if you're at least not open to change - and no, I'm not talking about turning us into a bunch of socialists, I'm not talking about increasing welfare benefits and creating a "free for all" I'm talking about giving our hardworking, tax paying citizens a little more support, because we desperately need it.

Missing.

This morning I'm feeling a little sad. I am missing a friend and don't really know what to do about it. I should clarify I don't mean I've misplaced them, simply that we're not in contact, and it's not someone I thought I would lose contact with.

But now I don't know what to do.

I'm hurt, I'm sure they feel like they've been hurt and neither knows what to do next. Maybe they don't want to make contact, I don't know. I thought I did try, but probably I could have done more. Do I let this go or do I do something about it?

I've already lost one good friend in the past few years over something really stupid, I really don't want to lose another.

Feeling blue...

Will you still love me when I'm...

I feel a little redundant writing about the weekend as I've probably talked to most people about it already. But, instead of doing a narrative, you know the sort of thing that I despise on blogs: "at 9:00 am we went to the grocery store, then we went to the park, then we went..." boring, F'in boring. Who wants to read that? Not me, but maybe I'm just mean.

So instead of doing that I'll give the basics and then move on. We went for a 65Th wedding anniversary celebration; it was in a place called Fort Clark which is within a bigger place called Brackettville. It is really close to the Mexican border - so close that we actually had to go through a border checkpoint on the way back: "are you an American citizen?" "ummmmmm, can I plead the 5th? do I look American? can I pass as an American?" Well lets just not say no. Moving on...

The weekend was great, the family are were so welcoming and we already knew all of Jason's close relatives so it didn't feel like we were complete outsiders. Plus, I got the impression that half the people there hadn't seen each other in so long anyway, it didn't really matter.

The actual dinner/party was on Saturday night and we each got a t-shirt that all the guests had to sign that announced we were there for the anniversary of people that had been married longer than TV has been around. I don't actually know that is true, but if not it's damn close. I was actually caught by surprise at how emotional that night was. Jason's Grandmother is on her third battle with Cancer and she has recently stopped treatment. I think everyone there knew that it would be the last of such celebrations, even though she looks fabulous on the outside, I suspect that is not the case on the inside. What really got to me though was how cute a couple they still are. He comes down for breakfast and gives her a kiss every morning. They still hold hands and they are still in love. You can't fake that, you can't stay married for that long and still appear in love unless it's really true. While I don't doubt that they've had their problems you can see that when he looks at her he still sees the girl he fell in love with, and you have to be made of stone if that doesn't get to you.

I think it was extra emotional because every time events such as these are held there is a glaring hole in the table where Jason's brother should be, and while it's been 10 years since his death, I don't think it feels any easier 10 years on for his family not to have him there. Everyone was teary eyed and I ended up slipping out of the room toward the end as I felt like it was too intimate for me, a non-family member to be part of. Plus, I had some tears of my own but it wasn't the time or the place for that.
I think part of it for me is wondering if I'll ever have that. I'm not a big believer in marriage as a whole, and even though we like to make a big deal about how fabulous it is in this country, I think the divorce rate speaks volumes about the fact very few of us are actually good at being married. Yes, it's a skill, and it's a big, huge decision.
I know I am in love, I don't doubt it for a second, but it's likely a doomed kind of love and that is not a comforting feeling when laying in my bed at night. How do you fix that? Can you fix that?

I also couldn't help thinking about my own, late Grandmother and how she and my Grandfather should have been there - not literally at this party, but at one of their own. They would have been celebrating a similar milestone, math has escaped me, but it would have been right around the 60Th year for them. But, my Grandfather died of Cancer in the 1980's, he was a broken man after the war, and after being a POW for two of the four years. My Grandmother loved him and no one else until the day she died. I know they would have still been together all these years later because they had that "thing" I believe hard work is part of it, I believe compromise is part of it, but you can do all of those things and not actually be with your soul mate. I know I'm sounding mushy, and I'm not saying there is just one person out there for everyone, but if it's "there" it's there.

On this note I'm going to leave off. It was a good weekend, it was thought provoking and it was relaxing in a hot, sweaty, crazy kind of way.

...one week, one day until England.

And the heat just kept coming...

I can't believe it's only June and yet it's already miserably hot. With the heat index going up toward 110 it's hard to believe anything could survive in this weather. I think back to when people were without modern conveniences such as air conditioning and wonder how on earth they did it. Perhaps they weren't as stupid as the current generations and didn't cut down all the big oak trees that at least provide some relief from the sun, but we needed mass developed neighbourhoods so I guess it's all worth it...right?

I feel like my Grandmother; I bring up the topic of the weather at least four times a day, I can't help myself and neither can any one else it seems. The most common daily expression being used in Texas right now is "I can't believe how hot it is" You'd think we'd be used to this, but saying that Austin has beaten the previous records set for this time of year day after day in the past week, so even for the natives this is unusual. I think if I lived in an apartment it wouldn't bother me as much. The fact that I can literally watch my grass and plants dying before my eyes bothers me beyond belief. It leaves you with a feeling of, what's the point? We spent so much time early in the spring trying to get the grass to be greener and the vegetables to grow and it all seems for not considering the blistering heat.

I've lived here for going on 10 years now and yet I still cannot get used to it. I tell myself if I lived on the lake it would be ok, but seeing as the lake barely has any water in it thanks to on going droughts we've been having, I'm not sure this applies. According to the Farmers Almanac we are supposed to see an unusually wet winter going into May '10. I really, really hope this is true. I fear that the Hopi Indians may not be incorrect with their prophecies...but I'm not going to dwell on that.

But enough about the weather, everyone knows it's hot, I can probably leave it at this. I think it's possibly punishment for all the summers I spent in England complaining about the lack of, well, summer. But, all I ask for is a happy medium, sun without the intensity - is that too much to wish for?!

This weekend I am likely to see a fair amount of sun and have to deal with the heat, but I am looking forward to it. The weekend, not the heat. I am going with the family to a place not too far from the Mexican border for a 65Th wedding anniversary party. Can you imagine 65 years married to the same person? I can't imagine even being 65 years old... wow. I think there is something quite amazing about this, I wonder what they think about the younger generations who divorce at the first sign of trouble. Is it good to stay married to the same person for 65 years? I think everyone has a different opinion on that one, but honestly, so long as it works for the people involved nothing else really matters. I imagine people who have managed to make it work for this long could probably write a book about the art of compromise, lets call it "picking your battles" in fact I think once you've been married for 50+ years - of your own free will, you should become an honorary marriage councilor. Kind of like how actors and authors are given honorary degrees without actually having to set foot in a school, except these people would actually deserve them.

I wonder how many marriage councilors out there are personally divorced? Perhaps you need a mixture of people who can give you opinions from all sides of the picture. I don't feel that it's any small coincidence that the divorce rate has gone up since the Internet became a fixture in all of our households. I have absolutely no evidence to back up my facts on that theory, but as I've mentioned before, the Internet can be your best friend and your worst enemy. You don't even have to leave your house to talk to "hotblonde88" these days, and I'm not sure that's such a good thing.

But, the Internet has done a lot of good for me too, so I can't say its all bad, far from it. On an almost daily basis it allows me to talk to someone from my past who has acted as both friend and therapist - despite me trying to get more information out of him! and has an amazing talent at knowing when to offer up an unsolicited compliment that may at least provide a temporary band aid to the yuk feeling that I am possibly feeling at any given moment. Even though he lives approximately 4 hours away, the Internet makes it feel like you are in the same room. When I look at how many emails from friends I get in a day I really do feel grateful that I have the Web, and I try not to focus too much on the negative aspects of it.

So to summarize: the heat is terrible, the weekend should hopefully be very enjoyable, being married for 65 years is a tremendous accomplishment and the Internet is a fickle beast. And on that note I'm off to do what I'm getting paid for - which unfortunately, is not blogging.

Humpity Hump

I have been doing a lot of thinking this week. That isn't anything new as you'll know from my mindless blog rambles, but this week I've not just been thinking about my life within my own personal bubble, but also the lives of women all over the globe.

I think my thoughts have been spurred by the current events in Iran. The elections are crucial just not for the country as a whole, but for women who have for years been oppressed, and unlike many countries in the world who are for the most part getting more and more progressive, the current Iranian leadership has actually slowed to a half, and reversed a lot of the rights the women did have. I can't pretend to even remotely understand the workings of the political or religious institutions in countries such as Iran, Iraq and Saudi Arabia where women sit very low on the social totem pole, but as I sit at my desk, at work in capri pants and a short sleeve shirt - a job that I drove to, by myself, in my own car, which is in my name, I think about how there are some countries in the world where none of the above items from the car to the job and especially not the clothing would be allowed.
In Iran women are not even permitted to take singing lessons, if they want to learn how to sing they have to do it "underground" at risk of prosecution. In Saudi Arabia men and women have different entrances into shopping malls and have to shop on different levels if they're unmarried.

What is interesting however is the varying opinions of the women who live with such restrictions. Some of them are angry and want to see change, and fast. Some however are happy to exist in a male dominated society and feel protected hidden from view under their Abaya. I had a good friend my first year of college who was from a wealthy Saudi family and had been allowed to travel to the UK to continue her education. She was an interesting mixture of tradition and change. She wanted to: marry a rich Saudi man, be a housewife and spend her days with girlfriends and throwing lavish dinner parties at night. But, at the time same time she never covered her hair, she would wear the same clothing as the rest of us and she loved to drink, party and over-indulge with everyone else. However, if I so much as mentioned a boy, or mentioned any kind of physical involvement with one in front of her I'd get the third degree. Suddenly she was extremely critical and judgemental. She felt like English and American women were whores and that our men were pigs. She'd go off on a rant and then would console herself by shopping for a new Gucci purse or deciding which Mercedes sports car she wanted to add to her collection.

I have gone off topic. I guess what I'm trying to say is that a lot of my complaints this week have involved issues that women in some parts of the world wouldn't even get to participate in, let alone complain about. I think while the term "ignorance bliss" has a ring of truth to it, when it comes to my problems I'm grateful that I am at least entitled to face such issues, even if I'd rather not have them at all.

These aren't the only things on my mind however, but it's been a matter of perspective this week. I am trying to push aside the doubts that have crept back into my mind. Events on Monday night left me with that empty feeling again, like I am being viewed as 2 dimensional. That makes no sense if you're not inside my head. I just want to know that no matter what I can or can't offer, that I am valued and sometimes I feel like the support - or interest, is only going to be there on the good days. I have been struggling with the evil Mirena and trying to decide whether it's worth sticking with or if it's better to just give up and essentially throw $500 down the drain. I have to ask myself, is it even worth it? What am I doing it for? The answer is, not much.

Two dimensional.

But, perspective is the name of the game as is determination. If I want to see change I am the only person who can achieve it. I am fortunate enough to live in a country where change and opportunity does exist if you're just willing to work hard enough for it. I am probably going to use the word determination until you are sick of hearing it. I know you're already sick of the word change. But, as I said in a previous post, it's all a work in progress. Baby steps.